


but a dancer, i refuse to answer

by KilltheDJ



Series: Or Until My Heart Explodes [2]
Category: Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys - My Chemical Romance (Album)
Genre: Fear of Death, Letters, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:28:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25218523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KilltheDJ/pseuds/KilltheDJ
Summary: Ghoul's had a few weeks to think since his last unsent letter, and with Poison on a run, it's the perfect time to figure out what the fuck he's doing.He does not, in fact, figure out what the fuck he's doing.
Relationships: Fun Ghoul/Party Poison (Danger Days)
Series: Or Until My Heart Explodes [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1827067
Comments: 24
Kudos: 64





	but a dancer, i refuse to answer

The day goes on in a boring fashion, filled with sun, spray paint, and throwing peanuts into Jet Star’s mouth and finding, inexplicably, they can’t catch and Ghoul can’t throw. 

The date is two weeks after Ghoul sat his ass down and wrote his last letter; he hasn’t found the time nor the willpower to write another, but more and more thoughts throw him for a loop as each day passes. It’s time to write another. 

Poison’s on a run, which means they won’t be home until after the sun rises tomorrow, which gives Ghoul the time to sit down and figure out what the hell he’s going to do with the whole feeling of _being in love._

How does one deal with love? Maybe it’s because he’s so used to seeing Kobra get his heart broken around every corner, usually with a hell of a lot of puppy dog love and then shouting, but Ghoul’s _scared._ He’s never had to deal with love before. 

And so his letter is his gameplan, his explanation, everything he can do to make himself feel less like a fucking failure who fell in love with his crew leader.

_

_Dear Poison,_

_I’m sick and tired of thinking about you. I don’t know what it is about you that made me fall in love, but I’m sick of it and I’d like you to undo whatever you did in the first place. It’s… I’ve been trying to figure out what I’m doing, how I’m dealing with all of this._

_I’m not. I never thought I’d fall in love ‘cos love always fucks you over in the end, but here I am, and I want you to hold me at the end of the night and sit next to me in a Diner booth and it’s already exhausting. How do you do this? How does Kobra do this?_

_I suppose I’ve always seen him following people like a lovesick puppy, and I know he always crashes and burns, but I figured it would be easy, that it wouldn’t be painful. Yeah, I’m in love with you, but you’re still one of my best friends, so what has to change? Why does it hurt to look at you the same way?_

_You’re the same person I’ve fought beside for years, you’re the same person who wakes me up when I’m having a nightmare. The only difference is that now you’re the same person I fell in love with and how am I supposed to deal with that, Poison? How am I supposed to be in love with you?_

_You’re bound to get yourself killed and, Destroya be damned, I don’t want it to happen but everyone knew our fates when we became the Fabulous Killjoys: we’re gonna die young and we’re gonna die bloody and how am I supposed to fall in love when my execution date nears? It’s nothing but useless to fall in love but there’s nothing I can do now, is there?_

_I’ve always thought you were going to be the first of us to go, really. I don’t know what whispered as much to me, but that’s what I’ve always thought. For a while, I thought it would be Jet, ‘cos of the infection in his old eye, and then I thought it would be me, for how reckless I am, and_ **_then_ ** _I thought it would be Kobra. You tend to think that much when the Kid’s trying that whole familial prone-to-suicide thing. But it always circles back to you._

_You’re the reason we’re all together, blah blah blah, I could go on. But I won’t. I won’t because I’ve said it before and I’m fucking tired of spending so much time thinking about you just because I somehow managed to fall facefirst onto the pavement and also in love with you. Yeah, I’m totally winning at life over here!_

_You should come help me out, see how it feels to sit next to the guy who totally fucking owns your heart every day and laugh and smile like you’re not in love and everything is right as rain and fucking fall asleep next to the love of your life like you don’t know you’re going to end up mourning them._

_How does Kobra do it? Maybe it’s a bit pathetic that my only experience here is Kobra, but he’s always wandering around getting into weird romances with people we hate, so he’s gotta know something, right? How does he go to sleep next to his lover of the month every night knowing it’s gonna end badly?_

_How am I supposed to look at you and know that you don’t love me the way I love you? We’re a crew, we’re a family, I know that, I know we’d all die for each other, I know we love each other. I wouldn’t stick around if I thought otherwise. But how the hell am I supposed to look at you and know you think of me as a crewmate when I think of you as the first person I ever fell for?_

_Destroya, I couldn’t even start off with, like, falling in a puddle. No, I had to fall down a fucking well - that’s how much I love you, that’s how far I fell before I realized it. Isn’t it ridiculous? I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know whether I’m supposed to tell you and hope everything goes well or wait, or wait and deal with the way my chest aches and the way you keep insisting on being little spoon even though you are very much taller than me without saying a word about this feeling in my heart._

_It’s like a lose-lose either way, isn’t it? Either way, I don’t get what I want. And the more I think about it, I guess, I don’t know what I want. Do I want you to love me back? Do I want there to be a chance of a happy ending when I know it’s always going to end bloody?_

_Do I even care at this point? I want to go back to normal. I want to go back to the way you sway under the moonlight on the roof when the cold doesn’t try to fucking kill us and we can dance up there. Do you remember that? That was one of my favorite nights… Slow-dancing on the roof with you and knowing I had a family._

_It might be considered my favorite memory, but we don’t have to talk about that. Ha, I’m sure you do that for all the other boys._

_I mean, you might, and that was a joke (clearly. I have some literacy, you know?), but I don’t like thinking about stuff like that. Never have, never will, especially now that I’ve realized it’s because I’m in love with you._

_It started off as just hating when you came home drunk, and that made sense considering I’ve always hated the smell of booze (till I am drunk myself, of course, but you already know this and because you aren’t going to read this, ever, I can spare the details), but you always had lipstick on your collar and I’d ignore it._

_Fuck, it’s not like I mind that, really, ‘cos whatever, it doesn’t affect me, and it’s your life, but I guess it always made me wonder what was so special at those parties. And I laughed at myself for thinking about it but jesus fuck I really have fallen for you, huh? I should’ve known when I thought, well, why don’t they kiss me, then, if that’s the only reason they go party?_

_You did kiss me, and then I think my exact train of thought was, holy fuck, I could’ve been doing this the whole time? I didn’t mean to avoid you after you did that, really, it just… happened. I was confused._

_You kissed me, and it didn’t mean a thing, and I didn’t know whether I wanted it to or not. Destroya, how did it take me this long to realize I’m in love with you? Everything pointed to it._

_I’m going to ask Jet about it, see if they know a thing or two about love, and while I doubt they do, their advice will undoubtedly be better than Kobra’s. Kobra’s good at telling you how to deal with love after it shatters your heart._

_Hopefully, by the time you break my heart, I’ll be far too dead to care, since we’re all gonna die in a firefight anyway._

_For now, I’m going to wait for you to get home, and hope you snuggle into bed because that was nice last night and I know you have back problems you don’t feel like telling me about, and I can’t fault you for that._

_I love you, Party Poison. I’ll scream it from the top of my lungs (if you’re not around, of course): I’M IN LOVE WITH PARTY POISON! It’s going to fucking kill me._

_Signing off,_

_Fun Ghoul (cannot be contacted; trying to find a way out of the well he fell in)_

___

And with that, Ghoul sighs, dropping the pencil back onto his lap and forcing himself to get out of bed, to hide the writing pad, to wish away all his words in a lighter-filled haze. But he isn’t going to burn the letters away, at least not yet. 

He has more to write to Poison before he pretends it never happened, but he can’t write it just yet, so he waits. 

He waits, and Poison comes back from the run early, before Ghoul wakes up, and Poison falls into bed with a breath of relief and their hand itching to find Ghoul’s, though they know it won’t happen. 

Their eye catches on something sticking out the side of the bed, but they don’t think anything by it, and they’re far too tired to care. They have a few more hours until they’re supposed to be up, and they’re spending those hours _sleeping._

They pretend their face doesn’t light up _red_ when Ghoul subconsciously turns and slings his arm over their waist, as though he’s trying to protect them.

**Author's Note:**

> Woo! Told you I'd write another one. So - thoughts? Always appreciated!


End file.
